Heard it All Before- Meiko

Dear All,

I feel like a noob. 

It's my fault, I still can't get use to the current environment.

Although I'm still learning to adjust it but I'm clueless what hold me back from moving forward.

I used to be daring with valid reasons.

Now, each movement I make, every milliseconds is being taken note.

Even though, I tried to be daring with valid reasons, I'm being pull back from marching forward.

In this mad mad house, you don't have the time to be happy for yourself.

You cheer the mad house to be happy.

May the Mad House stays happy as always.

Happy New Year!

Here is something light heart for everyone. 

How My Heart Behaves- Feist

I don't know how my heart behaves today.

On a Saturday early morning, everyone is sleeping soundly and still in their la la land. Apparently, the odd me, woke up around 8am eager to go for swimming. So, the unusual me took bus all the way to swimming pool and went into the pool for 8 laps around the swimming pool with hard determination to complete the 8 laps. I went for work after that and completely smell like swimming pool's chlorine.

The point is I'm somewhat mad. Sleep has what I've called luxury recently and I spent it with my determination for exercise. I can't insert any slot for exercise for other days so I make full use of the time.

After work, I walked all the way to the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive, a temple's dinner celebration was ongoing that time. Suddenly, I heard some man was singing hokkien song and that hokkien song reminded of my parents. That reminiscence took the action and tears started flowing down from eyes uninviting. Upon hearing the familiar hokkien song, I realized how much I MISS MY FAMILY especially MY PARENTS.

I've been neglecting to communicate with them, therefore, I must register my phone number ASAP. I MISS hearing their VOICES. Whatever I do, their advises came up to my mind FIRST. I want to go back but I don't have the time to do so and thus, I plan to go back home on dad's birthday. I don't even feel like attending my cousin's wedding but I just wish to see my parents.

It feels like I'm a bad child, I've not forgotten my roots yet.

Today's been a very weird day for my emotions and behavior.

Secret Heart- Feist

As per title, there's so many things are being suppress down to the bottom of the HEART.

While being suppress, the other side of me is looking for a suitable steel chest made out of platinum or some sort like Magneto's helmet kind of element. That mega magnificent chest must be able to keep and lock away some parts of the memories that I wouldn't want to remember.

Those 'young and foolish days' is pulling me back and definitely it will hold me from moving forward. Sometimes, it makes me feel depress to the extreme that I'm beginning to feel the fear everyday. I hated it and never liked it.

讲也不是，不知如何从哪儿开始。
哭也不是，问题还是绕着在身边。
骂也不是，绝对不是最理智的方式。

I'm not a good storyteller thus I wouldn't want to begin it.
I'm not a solver thus I don't know how to end all these problems.


This is when I'm asking and begging for a TIME MACHINE to bring me back and amend the events before it got worsen.

Sometimes, I tell myself to be cautious but is that cautious entirely pulling me back from doing what I think it could possibly be a positive results?

Asking Buddha is totally useless for Buddha will only help those who help themselves.


Can any gentleman lend me their shoulder to lean on and weep for a while?

Thank you.

Pumped Up Kicks- Foster the People

It is high listening to this song as per title. Seriously.

This leads me to start making crazy plans in this island. Since it is small and convenient, I would love to go around this island and understand the private property projects in this freaking island.

I'm clueless why the plan was made but it is certainly something I would love to go around and take a look.

Honestly, I'm trying to familiarize with the system and organization's culture inside the company but my mind always appear to be idle whenever they started their discussion. When the questions are coming to me, I just don't know how to put my answers in the proper sentence. It's like copying and pasting the words bit by bit.

Everyday the two male colleagues will chit chat and started gossiping.. wait, gossiping? hmmm... I don't think gossiping but would rather discuss about the corporate's affair and personal issues of other department's colleagues very publicly and loudly. It always makes me laugh when I came to think about it each time both of them discussing loudly in the office. I would always cover my mouth with my hand behind the monitor and showing uninterested in their conversations. Well, obviously, I wasn't eavesdropping as they were doing it in the public, their sounds happen to travel to my ears and everyone's ears.

Ok.. off for some reading materials! Night.

Cade Veco- Bebel Gilberto

Each time after work, I usually spend some time thinking where to go for window shopping or hang outdoors. Yet, I always spend my time alone with myself.

Although in work place, I have people around me yet I still have problems with socializing with people. Do I have problems with myself?

While everywhere I could see people with their people and I'm alone with my custom made brown bag. Sometimes, with a book and an earphone attached to my handphone. 

Yet at times I feel contented to be alone with those two things but once I reach home, I'm always emotional.

I hate this but I've to sort it out for myself. 

Pickpocket in Disguise- Xavier Jamaux and Fred Avril

Been missing for some time and yeap, I'm finally settled down in Lion City in search for futures after the completion of my tertiary education.

Many episodes were created for the past few months. There's sweet and bitter in it and it all causes by my foolishness and stupidity. That time around, my ego was high till it touches the Emperor Jade's throne. After some this and that, I got to realize, you shouldn't mess around with ego. I'm still in the process of pushing my ego back down from the throne. 

I'm consider lucky to land myself a job which I have no idea on what's my responsibility till I finally step into the organization. It's a long and tedious process to land myself in Lion City yet I tried to tell myself everyday that I should appreciate with what I've right now. I wouldn't want to take things for granted as it costs a lot of... well, long story, it involves humans. Thus, zip it.

Although, just the first week of my job, I've already offended the top management people and I blown my chance to learn new stuff. Argh.. bodoh sial, I even defensed myself and I've no idea how Donald Trump appeared in my instincts telling me to defensed myself. Gosh, how rude and obviously, I'm disturbed by it... even my friend can tell I was disturbed by it. 

Everyday in work, I'm assessing myself in terms of every way.. such like my behavior, my attitude, my thoughts and many stuff. I am trying not to disappoint my manager and I am trying to work smartly. Hopefully, my brain comes alive. However, today I received a task that is totally in hand with my FYP, develop questions for after sale.... I was speechless but I cannot sigh since it's my task.

I'm trying to be positive with everything I see and experience. 

Amitabha.

Time Fusion- DJ Okawari

Just finished checking my results, looking at it just made me realized that i'm always somewhere on the line. Neither good nor bad. What special skills do I still possess asides cursing and swearing?

Life decision making process, the hardest part is the decision making, so it came true.
One, it's the route of opportunity to own a better and quality terms for future life contracts.
Second, it's another path for clearing burdens or have a taste of working in real life with specific field.
The same illustration, standing on the fork of two diverged path (ok, maybe with a tree in the middle and grasses on the side), wondering which way to go.

Some path has no turning back, some might lead you to regrets.
If you're lucky and blessed enough, some path lead you to happiness and success of achieving desired dreams.

I wish I could have the problems and matters to be solve for good before I leave peacefully to pursue dreams that I yearn to achieve.

I always question myself, who lead my way? Although I knew it was myself that I should lead my on way yet, there are matters that ain't under my control.

When your heart is missing- Rooney

Done! Another four years of studying for tertiary education has been passed. While my friends are sobering for their past days, I sit here telling myself, it's another process that everyone is compulsory to experience, DEPARTURE. Experienced it before and it wasn't a good feeling and process to undergo. Yet, as time goes by we tend to forget each other soon but only concentrating on what's ahead in our life. The goals and missions that we yearn to achieve.

Again, with the help of StumbleUpon, I found Tiny Buddha for enlightening my current situation.

Yes, I'm in the midst of facing situations that is gonna affect the future. Lost and might be find back in the matter of time.

I don't feel like babbling anymore. Kthxbye.

Say When- The Fray

I'm feeling so fucked up with my paper just now.

It was obvious that tips were given and don't know why I just couldn't somehow recall the materials I had read.

Few minutes ago, was flipping through my notes and I began to feel fucked up again. I saw the tips and it was right there.. the answers I should have answered in the paper. Damn! My marks are gone just like that.

Previously, Credit Management had made me kept my fears and worries of taking the supplementary paper again. Apparently, thank God, I passed. Now, Financial Derivatives, I know I had done badly for the mid-term and now, the finals. FML!

The feeling is like you knew it was there but you couldn't recall if it was there. This morning I was clearly in the car reading, scheming and scanning through all the important notes that I made last night.



Damn! My confidence has gone. Argh.. it made me rage and mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The second paper right now is even worse, no tips given and you have to bloody read all the 5 chapters with only a day and few hours to spend.

I can only put the blame on myself for not being determine and diligent enough. Blame myself for not knowing the consequences of future.

Now the most important question, how to get rich and build cacao empire in the future??????????

Muz fohkus on cahkao empihyer

Flashing Lights- Kanye West

i ain't want to be another sober for my peer's life.

i live my life and i choose my way to live it. i may be sober, depress, bipolar, happy, ecstatic and nuts. yet, i don't give one fucking damn to everything that happens around.

that's cos i'm the ruler of my life. i see peers were mutually agreeing with each other on some shit stuff, i walk off and give pffft.
to be honest, i'm the most fucking awesome person in the world.
i have no lover, i have no best friends, i have no pets but i have my family. most of all, i have the big heart in me.

Apart from achieving successions in life, drums are my next dream.

Around the World- Daft Punk

Today had a clear and simple fun day.

an hour ago, i made my own cocktail that is with vodka grapefruit + soda water + sunkist orange = awesome. the real fact is i bought the wrong flavor of vodka and it tasted like medicine so much that i don't even feel like touching it tho the bottle is beautiful.

i went for grocery shopping today coz i'm making soba mee tomorrow yo, with miso soup.

sadly, there's a weird transition between me and the person. so, it's weird and i think i've fallen for the trap. need to find a way out of the trap.

received good news today, hopefully able to travel to europe and xx can recover fast so we can go together.

look ghostly due to lack of exercise. 

Always- Panic at The Disco

is still feeling like dumbass for being a real loser.

mum nags for being single.

dad asks about the future career.

what kind of feelings should i project?

Dance Dance- Fall Out Boy

very fucked up right now.

career fair is tomorrow and decided to do a resume or simply take my previous resume that i've done for my previous training. yet, where the fuck is my resume?

now, i guess i've to do it all over again by day time. and it is really frustrating and feeling fuck up while everyone is submitting on the first day of the event.

real fuck up.

2 more assignments to go and i just barely reading the information given. feeling like a loser, i've not achieved anything in life gloriously. i've got no talents or special skills but procrastination. my future is so fucking blur and maybe one day i'll be taking public transports for life, living on breads and can of tuna for 3 meals daily, could only afford new clothes for CNY purposes, hunting for discounts and sales in the retail stores and buying fake goods..... but i want a better life.

海阔天空- Band version

somehow at this point of my any other ordinary day, i'm feeling fucking zombie.

reasons:

1. ASSignments to rush for deadlines.

2. energy fucking burn out, thanks to endless of thrills and fun in the outdoor theme park.

3. insufficient sleep and on the weakest week of the month. FUCK.

i just realized that i wasn't born for quick fame due to my big ego issues and that will tear me down if i don't keep my ego aside.

fucking confuse and lost with my assignments. meltdown. till the last semester, i've to suffer all these fucking bullshits.

finally, i'm at some place where i can finally enjoy the music.

She had the world but she wants the entire universe

I hope I am not the only one that's suffering the paranoia.
She's not even on her deathbed but only wishing for her loved ones to spend her last time with her.
Yet, the one she loved the most was the one that robbed/will be robbing her as always.
The Queen only wished for her princesses and princes to grow up and be a fine person.
Yet, her beloved rebellious princess always been trading her love for materials underground.
The Queen showered mountains and mountains of love for her beloved princess,
Yet her princess did not return any of them, not even a single tree,
Yet, the princess is still asking for the whole world.
As the Queen age, people and events revolve around her do not seems to flow smoothly.
God please bless the King and Queen.

Trade Mistakes- Panic ! At the Disco

If I could I would like to trade mistakes for falling for you,

If I knew it would happen this way, I would leave all the miseries away,

If I could travel back the time machine, I would use all the opportunities to lead the way,

If I knew it wouldn't bring any of us to a place, I would not have start anything at all,

If by trading mistakes would save me away, I would trade it with all my sheep,

If I could travel back time, I would not repeat the same incident again.

Alive- Black Eyed Peas

While listening to some sober melodies, I was browsing pictures of old flame. Thus, unwanted memories came up and was glad that it had over long long time ago. It was easy to reprise the unwanted memories and it wasn't easy to recall the beautiful memories.

I'm contracted with Bipolar disorder I think.

I'm still feeling underachieved cause I've never achieve anything before. Sadding. How to preview my resume to the reality?

Evil and a Heathen- Franz Ferdinand

I tried telling myself for numerous of times that it was just merely a switch that triggers the fear. There was nothing to be afraid because the victim is not ME. Yet, living with the problem is the real fear for I'm scared and worried for what I've experienced. Each time, I whispered by myself that everything is gonna be alright but to flash the incurable suffer has amount my fears even more, why can't live with it free worries? I don't know when to call or not to call the befall is fair or unjust. Talking and comforting myself is just another action of lying to myself. I still use my hands to close my ears as tight as silent as I could. Crying is rather useless for drops of tears could not help and heal. Yet, I'm clueless of what sort of reactions I've to put on my face for it is all depend on the courage and situation that is leaving the marks forever in my mind. 

December Baby- Ingrid Michaelson

Peekaboo! 

Just couldn't figure out how to begin and end with everything wonderfully.

I'm still battling with my ADD and procrastination. I can slightly feel the tingling rush of my deadlines for assignment submission but just refusing to do it.

If the world end is near approaching, should I say it or just keep in the heart not knowing forever? Trying to grab the good timing so it doesn't leak easily. Yet, fear is never easy to battle with. 

Adios.

la la la lies- Jack's Mannequin

fears are growing and living amongst me everyday. yet, i still need to live with the growing fears. how to shrink the fear? 

sometimes, i wonder if i should get close or stay far away with my fears. to get close, it's dealing with blankly clueless and useless. to stay far away, it's running and hiding away from the shits.

sometimes, it brings me shivers and frights by merely thinking of it. it is my responsibility to take care but no one gave me an emergency kit for fighting fears. 

sometimes, i just refuse to face my fears and deal with it. more likely, escaping away from it. 

=( 

I'm not listening to anything but the TV

You've no idea how's it like to be trolled for all the wrong reasons. Of course I don't understand, I'm not the worm of your body. How do I understand the awesome-ness you felt? I would've trolled you back before I sleep but time called so I slept.

Now, I feel disgusted for the reaction you made that is identical to someone I now disrespect. I was shocked and the influences in you people are so gay. You hear me, GAY.

Ok thanks bye. Good morning.

Fall for Anything- The Script

My salute and gratitude are sent out to the 50 workers in the Nuclear Reactor. With the spirit-like of Kamikaze, they had stayed back to chill the nuclear and working their asses off in the hazardous nuclear reactor. They sacrifices their lives and living amongst the nuclear radiation to prevent the whole Japan affected from nuclear's radiation. REAL HEROES AND REAL MEN. My salute to you.

Today, my eyes couldn't help but caught a glimpse of people I desired to see. I don't know what to do at times, should I speak or stay silent? To speak may lead the words to leak. To silent may lead to unsung voice of regrets.

The memories shall never repeat again.

Howl- Florence and The Machine

The funniest joke of the day is I'm being regard as FRIENDLY.

1st, I say thank you for such nice label
2nd, apparently, I'm a troller when I see something that is not right.
3rd, I don't really like to greet and say hi recently.

Anyhow, I'm still struggling with my ADD and the war is getting intense because I can't seems to get control of it.  I still failed with my battle of procrastination and ADD. Fail is Phail. I'm so sorry for myself.

Dead Wrong- the Fray

Yes? No?

We No Speak Americano- Yolanda

Let me tell you what I've encounter so far. People who bad mouthed other people in front of you but did the otherwise behind your back. what could be your reaction for such problem?

No wonder my other friends always vent when they encounter this kind of people especially when you treated them like your other best friends. Perhaps, misinterpretation of every behavior and action's purposes could lead to such misunderstanding?

Unsure of those but what's been done has done and I'm fed up of being nice. Or maybe I was just being selfish? Some people do not know what I'm into and when they talk about it, sometimes I got offended although they knew I'm not the kind of person that can blend into their talks and topics. I'm rather boyish or manlish so I don't talk like them. I'm glad if I can curse and swear in the group but when I do, I would get weird stares so I rather keep it silent.

Maybe I'm inconsiderate and selfish, probably annoying too. Bah, I don't care anymore.

Ya know what I find it's right?

Being optimistic is just to shed and camouflage the pessimist in you- All's Well Ends Well 2011.

But it's better if you do- PATD

Frankly speaking, I have ADD and it is confirmed. Due to the constant attentions from other pages, I'm not consistent enough to finish the whole important article for coming assignments or maybe the topics are boring? Tax Haven, shouldn't be.... a handful of usefulness could be use in the future, to evade heavy taxes imposed by the bodies. It's a crime, I know.

Heartbeat- Enrique Iglesias featuring Nicole Scherzinger

There's no window where I'm sitting right now so I can't gaze out to the skies and stars to vent out emotions while listening to my songs. The truth is already in my head and I've known it long time ago. Yet sometimes I wonder is it worthwhile to keep or just dump? Can't guess what am I relating to? It's none other than FRIENDSHIP.

People come and go in our lives, they don't stay long because we have short life span. Anyhow, I'm realizing that people do make friends with you when you do have assets or benefits that they can take or rather steal from you. I've seen it and I'm disgusted by their hypocrisy. Okay, maybe I troll much because I dislike and would not want to give face to their statements. Well, I'm the ignorance and also the evil person. So, I troll whenever you tell, ask or give stupid statements. (unaware that i'm stupid too). At times, I realized that I'm a sadistic and I enjoy seeing people's face that got troll by me.

I don't want another stupid emotional post on how forever alone or pathetic I am getting. Au Revoir.

Panic at the disco is back to my life

My age already surpass 20 and I still do have the tendency to escape and run away from the reality. The road down is so blur and unclear. I can't see clearly till I decide which path to go. Even when I'm in break, I'm still escaping to the virtual world and everyday trolling people. Yet, not realizing I wasn't good enough to contribute the world. I can't even finish reading an investment article within minutes.... FML.

I've the tendency to troll people on FaceBook because I dislike what I saw and feel although I knew it's none of my business. But, it's part of my interest to do it. So, I like. 

Right now, I'm so hungry for the moment and I can't believe I was so genius enough to pour in so much of vodka. The grapefruit flavoured vodka still taste like medicine to me. It's my third time mixing it and I still can't take it though I mixed it with lime. It still taste like bloody medicine and I can still feel the tingling on my tongue by merely thinking of it.

extreme brief recap

hi, oh my, i see crickets are singing and spiderwebs everywhere. Rabbit dust are hopping around with their evil smiley faces. oh boy, let's see, just ended my second last semester and that semester was a chaotic one.

it leaves me no peace for rest, going up and down the miles, literally. numerous trips to hospital, fling of emotions, bunch of confusions, buckets of joy, barrels of fun and so on. it leaves me no rest especially the hospital part and my final year project's tortures.

trips to USS and guangzhou was the best and enjoyable. sadly, my cousin has lost our pictures of USS in her pc.

the mixed feelings was heavily revolve around although i had tried my best to escape. it is still there and i can't deny. thus, actions need to be taken.

i got nothing much to jot down anymore, perhaps i am lazy.

besides, i've got so many thoughts haunting me till the end of this holidays and might prolong till God knows when.

fooling around

I'm agitated with the current situation right now. Not knowing where I'd probably stand anyways, let me get the picture for you, a girl soaking under the rain looking across the streets whether shades or soaks. That's the saddest part of human life, you are uncertain and doubtful with your decisions you HAVE MADE.

I'm agitated with the atmosphere around me and Facebook. I might go crazy with a bunch of hypocrites although those aren't my businesses but I just feel irritated by those THINGS and it's bundling up. I tried not to care but it couldn't be help. So, let it be...

I'm still fooling around as usual.

Who do i turn to in times of emptiness?

Life at this moment is lifeless.

rocketeer

in a world of madness when every thoughts of mine flowed out. still, i'm at my best condition to stay conscious for i fear for fall. i wish to pawn all i see. what would you see in the world of mist?

* i don't usually take pictures of myself but yeah... i've nothing best to do. thanks to the submission of fyp, i feel lifeless again.

what else can i do to make my life more lively?

RAInBOW

Just completed my FYP and intended to go to bed early but look at the time, already past 12am and I've got tuition to be given in the morning. Then, in the noon I need to wait for email from my supervisor upon the approval of printing. Argh... After completing all these baloneys, I felt bored and lifeless now. I could have use the good time to go read some books and computer is still here to accompany me. I couldn't sleep at this moment right now and I still feel awake. Let me jot down few thoughts from my mind first. Maybe I've gone a bit far by interacting with a guy and I kept assuming these and those, well, you know.... Then, at some point, I felt the rush to spill out everything to let the rock out from the bottom of my heart. I don't care what that person is gonna think because I just couldn't take it anymore and I own a short temper. I might sound selfish for being inconsiderate with the person thoughts but I just couldn't care and take it anymore. What if year 2012 disasters is coming true? Nobody wants to live life regretful which at least, I found a chance to do something right. It's a new era of equality so maybe in some part, there's consideration that can be taken only to the current person I've interacted. "Heaven Forbid" is being played over and over again numerously, some sort of emotional part, I haven't read the lyrics yet but the melody is just enough to make me feel the emotions of the song. I recalled 'Heaven forbid you end up alone' which already made me question everything by taking account of needs and wants. 'Out of this one, I don't know how to get you'.... that ends everything with a hope. Argh, I think I am turning into emotional bitch. Alright. Emo bitch needs to sleep. Off to lala land soon. Au Revoir! A bientot!!!!!

the only thing i want to accomplish is what's need to be accomplish

Supposing spending the time to revise and amend mistakes done in my final year project but my mind was left off wandering to some place wrongly.

it's a place where speech of freedom is available in colorful ecstasy:

我很想告诉你，我曾经喜欢过你。现在。。也许，或许还有一点点。但我又犯最大的错误就是自作多情。一直很想一了了之的说给你因为我的心却是放不下。时间总是不给我个机会。。。

i've got a short and hot temper which i will do anything that ease the hardness in me.

Thanks for mind fuck, I spare some time here. Happy New Year all.

I'm seeing everyone's blog wishing Happy New Year, though it may sounds typical but yeah, Happy New Year. I wasn't really keen on this celebration so I'll just wait for the Chinese New Year one.

Anyways, I had New Year Eve's presents and a plentiful, let's just say they belong to vintage ones. Tonnes of vintage.

Then, first day of new year, experiencing severe headache due to excessive mind fucking shocks which prolong till today and for the coming days as well.

Again, I was feeling dead few days ago till caffeine came and resurrected me but trapped in the body of a zombie feeling. Funnily, the body that seems to be restless but the brain is still thirsty for sleep, so i guess the brain is actually working.

All I can say for now is MIND FUCK! Cursing has always been part of me when the anger is boiling. Definitely not pleasant being Mind Fuck severely. Thanks to FYP, I can kiss it goodbye.

New Year's resolutions:

Kick off procrastination

Sleep early

Wardrobe makeover

Live life Love life