It's about time for me to settle in to bed and read a book. Before that happens, I just want to pen down what I realized.
I looked at the blue sky on one sunny hot afternoon, the thoughts just came by in my mind.
My friends had been saying that I am too picky (yes, you got the word right, PICKY!) when it comes to guys. Yes, I'm picky because I used to like any Tom, Dick and Harry that treated me well which in the end I was being labeled as a fool. As I grow, I wouldn't want to fall for such traps anymore because back then times, feelings and spirits were wasted down to the drain. Now, it's either I'm fear or scare with falling in love. Thanks to some assholes ya!
Often I do feel lonely because I have so many things to share with the occurrence in my life. My good friends are busy with their own lives and some of them, their lives have been overtaken by their boyfriends. I, sometimes, being ungrateful, kept blaming and whining inside that why their boyfriends take away my friends from me. I'm actually be the one at fault. I really love sharing but I choose particularly who to share. I may look tough and very independent but that's just a costume I wear everyday.
While at times I envied others who are having loving time with their other half but I also enjoy to still have my freedom. Moving around anytime, anywhere and anyone that I enjoy with. I don't want to take orders from others at the moment because now it is the time for me to experience joy, pain, happy and sorrow in the society. The world is not as easy and innocent as I used to see, relationships aren't easy to maintain because we are all humans. We have our needs and wants to fulfill our own desires.
That's not the point.
The other point of me being picky because I'm still second guessing whether I should remove this particular fellow from my heart because everything seems to be not possible anymore due to distance, time and other reasons. The Chinese has a saying, ride on a cow to search for a horse, meaning while you have one right now, find others as well, in short, find a backup. Yea, I do meet good guys out there but I kept having second guess again. Many many times and I kept blowing their chances, rather, our chances.
Fuck it, relationships require a whole lot of commitment, dedication and full heart. I used to have it then it got tarnished and it needs some time to recover. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Imma celebrate life and enjoy life.
P/S: if you have a suitable candidate for me, please PM me! Thanks a lot! ;p