Picky? It's either you don't know me or maybe you are lucky enough.

It's about time for me to settle in to bed and read a book. Before that happens, I just want to pen down what I realized.

I looked at the blue sky on one sunny hot afternoon, the thoughts just came by in my mind.
My friends had been saying that I am too picky (yes, you got the word right, PICKY!) when it comes to guys. Yes, I'm picky because I used to like any Tom, Dick and Harry that treated me well which in the end I was being labeled as a fool. As I grow, I wouldn't want to fall for such traps anymore because back then times, feelings and spirits were wasted down to the drain. Now, it's either I'm fear or scare with falling in love. Thanks to some assholes ya!

Often I do feel lonely because I have so many things to share with the occurrence in my life. My good friends are busy with their own lives and some of them, their lives have been overtaken by their boyfriends. I, sometimes, being ungrateful, kept blaming and whining inside that why their boyfriends take away my friends from me. I'm actually be the one at fault. I really love sharing but I choose particularly who to share. I may look tough and very independent but that's just a costume I wear everyday.

While at times I envied others who are having loving time with their other half but I also enjoy to still have my freedom. Moving around anytime, anywhere and anyone that I enjoy with. I don't want to take orders from others at the moment because now it is the time for me to experience joy, pain, happy and sorrow in the society. The world is not as easy and innocent as I used to see, relationships aren't easy to maintain because we are all humans. We have our needs and wants to fulfill our own desires.

That's not the point.

The other point of me being picky because I'm still second guessing whether I should remove this particular fellow from my heart because everything seems to be not possible anymore due to distance, time and other reasons. The Chinese has a saying, ride on a cow to search for a horse, meaning while you have one right now, find others as well, in short, find a backup. Yea, I do meet good guys out there but I kept having second guess again. Many many times and I kept blowing their chances, rather, our chances.

Fuck it, relationships require a whole lot of commitment, dedication and full heart. I used to have it then it got tarnished and it needs some time to recover. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Imma celebrate life and enjoy life.

P/S: if you have a suitable candidate for me, please PM me! Thanks a lot! ;p

Before I sleep tonight, I need to jot down few things

I'm starting to cook again or maybe boiling soup.

Partially, because I'm bored and I need something nutritious and soup is the easiest to make.

Suddenly, I have so many random activities in my mind.

Should I go for Yoga classes or breakdance classes?

Should I explore the west or east side of Singapore?

Should I learn drums or new language?

Too much dreams to achieve in a short time.

I have a research due in like one month. Damn!

RIP. You'll always be remembered.

Life and death often came very shock to everyone and how I was obsessed with the idea of death back then. It is how we can not avoid death regardless of your age but you can cheat death? Or should I describe it as fate. So what if you are wealthy but you still have to end up on your death bed.

In a week, I received two shockingly death news.

1. My aunt (that I'm not really close with, my dad's sister in law), had met into a motorcycle accident and passed away because of serious injury. The accident happen when I was in KL like three- four weeks ago. No one told me until I went back last week, my mum broke the news secretly in the car.

2. My landlady's husband. Apparently, he died peacefully in the house's kitchen and he is really old. He had to endure pain and sickness which he had accepted the fact. He was a very sweet looking old man. He doesn't seems to have temper at all and he remembered my name for an old person. I came home from work yesterday and my landlady broke the news to me. By the time she told me, she had already cooled down and accepted the fact.

Although I don't know my aunt well but from my understanding, her family seems to have financial issues and as I grew, I came to learn that I have more cousins. Her eldest son had passed away due to a motor accident as well. Now, she has joined her son in other world. Hopefully her children can go through this and be tough. I wish to see them successful in life so they won't have to suffer from all of the agonies and worries.

The first news came to me very disturbingly and the fact that my dad's side now has three deaths due to motor accident. I have to pretend that I don't really care about my aunt's death but the fact that I really do mind. Although we don't know each other well but it's a life that we are talking about and her children that are so young that needs her.

Buddha bless them so they won't have to suffer in their next life. May their loved ones can go through this and let them be strong.

RIP.

Sleepyhead

I'm eating ice cream (napoleon flavor) and surfing something else but not my research!

I got two more months due for the research and I'm about going to sleep~

Sigh~ when can I have fun in a big group? Crazy fun and doing endless stupid stuff because using too much brains will make me feel so zombie.

Who wants to go to G-Dragon concert with me? I want to go a concert at least. I dont mind starting with GD.

Watching ANTM and streaming channel has removed all the ENGLISH shows. Perfectly genius.

This month I foresee is a long month and upcoming wasted month if I don't manage to absorb knowledge that I should be absorbing.

So exhausting... this is only the first week. There might be more that's coming and I just want this damn month to pass!

My time here is limited and I only want to treasure and cherish the time I have here. There are some thoughts that rose in my head and it always made the tears flooded my eyes. These thoughts are so long and windy, as for now I am indecisive but I must firm my stand that it will come some day. And when the day comes, I wouldn't want everything to be last minute, not able to store good memories and rushing everything off.

Good times won't last long. I know that damn day will come and it is time for me to give way to the younger ones. They have better capabilities and abilities than me. They should soar while I should provide support.

Damn, I just want this damn month to pass meaningfully.

Dani is back and she swore.....

It's been half a year I have since last visited this blog until recently I switched my job portfolio and then I came across My Colorful Ecstasy again.

I wouldn't say I will come back here to update on my daily life again... (like duh) but rather my thoughts.

Reason being time goes forward and the moment we became employed, things change, characters change, and basically, everything change. But memories never change. 

If possible, asides using social networks or gadgets to keep memories, blogging to express my thoughts would be helpful to slash some fucked up emotions in me. At least, I feel better. You see, I will not be ashamed to tell anyone that I'm single and always single, if they ask. That's not the point, the point is sometimes, even little tiny itsy bitsy stuffs I just want to express here because why the fuck people wants to listen to my whine and complaints. Makes sense?

Dear Blog, I swear I will take some time off to record and jot down what shit emotions that I'm going through with you. Just you, My Colorful Ecstasy. Because you understand me more than anyone else. (except my family)

Fucked up job. I'm always excited to see what's in for me but with a fucked up boss, everything just seems fucked up. 

That's my leg and I love this shot.

P/S: I just bought my air tix to KL. When I go there, I want to eat the dried curry kuay teow, window shopping in KL, makan and makan, cari kawan and play with kiddos.

Dear and Love

Dear Danielle,

In few years time, life will be full of flavors regardless being joyous, sorrows, bitters and gay. 

But, there are few things I want you to keep in mind, please keep everything simple and sweet, don't complicate things because you do not have the capability to untie the complications. Do bear in mind, nothing lasts forever but savor, enjoy and indulge every moment. Don't change yourself to be the worse but be better instead, be a better cause for everyone. Leave a good name for yourself, you don't need to be remembered forever but at least being remembered for the right cause. Cry out loud if you need to, head to your comfort place or person to cry to, no worries, the closest person to you will not pass judgement. Laugh as much as you can, when you laugh, ensure everyone can see your happiness and spread the joys. Every little things that happen, look at both sides. Plug your earphones to listen music or turn on your speakers loud if you want to, it kills the tense, believe me, it kills the tense, please play all your badass songs. Dance to all the songs if you want to, it breaks loose in you, I swear it does. When it comes to work and task, please give the best of you and finish task properly. If you want respect, please earn your respect from others. Spend some time to think on solving problems and not thinking of the freak accidents. Go for your dreams and enjoy life. Don't put so much expectations in everything if you do not want to be disappointed. It is a devastating feeling and it hurts much, you never like it because you hate the struggling process. Try new things and learn new things. Breakthrough and soar!

Please promise me that your face is full of smiles and laughter in many years to come because there's no reason to be sad and sorrow. Dad said you still have to get up and stay alive everyday, why not choose to stay happy everyday?

Love life, Love the people who care for you, Love your parents, Love yourself.

Stay true to yourself.

Celebrate Life!

Love,

Danielle

Best I Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

I've got so many things to do or rather achieve but I don't know where to begin.

During uni days, I regularly used my brains to expand my creativity upon given a task. I must say that I'm neither good nor bad, in another term average. Now, I'm given a task but I'm always staring at the monitor blankly. Everyday, I was told to propose something but I couldn't give a piece of shit from my mind.
I always blame the organization's culture for not utilizing our creativity. Yet again, there's a saying, if there's a will, there's always a way. Yes, always a way but how do I find the way at the first place? Thoughts to ponder.
Have I not done enough?

There's once some person played a psychology game with me. The person characterized me that I'm not a perfectionist. I will definitely know something but I will never master the something, that I... admit. I'm always missing the pieces here and there but never eager to finish filling up the missing pieces.

How to improve my efficiency and my brainstorms?

Everyday I was given mixed signals but I fall into the trap. It's my fault to trigger the signal. I shouldn't further trigger the signal because I'm scared. I don't know what to do, I don't know what else should I do. I need to stop because I cannot afford to be surrounded with fears and confusions.
I really cannot afford to be afraid.
I've got so many consequences to consider but I might not be the one.
The future is bright, the age is still young, that means I still have the time.
I shall not fear but to move on.

Essay- Morning Mountain

The cooling breeze is here to neutralize the heaty room. Nope, i am not okay. Some senior of mine said i am a good friend but my friend is not a good friend. I admit, i am a pretty good listener but i might not console people really well. At least, i tried to make them feel better. Whenever i expressed my rage, nobody listens yet they want me to listen their rage stories. Maybe I speak too soft. I am in a foreign country now and i don't have my loved ones to be there make me smile. The only thing i can do is to laugh madly wherever i see something funny. I dont instantly make new friends as my close friend. I dont simply express in front of people whom I am not close with. Maybe I am just tired. If I were to speak, I would prefer face to face interaction instead of chatting over the messenger like applications. I just want my listener to look at my expression when i talk. But it is hard till the extent of At some point I am turning to anti- socialist. The people around me makes me feel that I am an abandon child. Though I may look tough, strong and mad but those who knew me well knows that I am, in fact, a human. I have feelings too. This is when I miss my parents' voice, it's the most angelic voice I've ever heard. Whitney Houston's (RIP) voice is not as angelic as my folks. I am grateful that I have one good listener asides from my love ones. I am thankful for that. We can chat and swear with anything.

Sun Glitters- Beside Me (Essay interpretation)

I'm seeing blue skies everyday but I can't see any beautiful flowers matching with the sky blue.

I know life's never been easy to walk down through our age. Different age group comes with different perception and troubles. Recently, I've got a friend who ended his life with the age of just 24 [RIP], the reasons behind the silly act wasn't really clear. I told my folks about this matter and I got to know from my aunt that my folks were worried and concerned if I might fall into the trap. Apparently, I was touched to acknowledge their concerns and the reply to their assurance was... just let me rant and whine. At least, I'm aware that the bomb shelter is there for me to stay relief even just for a second. One single second can change the whole life.

I know it is not easy to walk on the road alone with so many road path to take into considerations.

Time to be serious at work, I've been playing too much in the office. LOL.

Heard it All Before- Meiko

Dear All,

I feel like a noob. 

It's my fault, I still can't get use to the current environment.

Although I'm still learning to adjust it but I'm clueless what hold me back from moving forward.

I used to be daring with valid reasons.

Now, each movement I make, every milliseconds is being taken note.

Even though, I tried to be daring with valid reasons, I'm being pull back from marching forward.

In this mad mad house, you don't have the time to be happy for yourself.

You cheer the mad house to be happy.

May the Mad House stays happy as always.

Happy New Year!

Here is something light heart for everyone. 

How My Heart Behaves- Feist

I don't know how my heart behaves today.

On a Saturday early morning, everyone is sleeping soundly and still in their la la land. Apparently, the odd me, woke up around 8am eager to go for swimming. So, the unusual me took bus all the way to swimming pool and went into the pool for 8 laps around the swimming pool with hard determination to complete the 8 laps. I went for work after that and completely smell like swimming pool's chlorine.

The point is I'm somewhat mad. Sleep has what I've called luxury recently and I spent it with my determination for exercise. I can't insert any slot for exercise for other days so I make full use of the time.

After work, I walked all the way to the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive, a temple's dinner celebration was ongoing that time. Suddenly, I heard some man was singing hokkien song and that hokkien song reminded of my parents. That reminiscence took the action and tears started flowing down from eyes uninviting. Upon hearing the familiar hokkien song, I realized how much I MISS MY FAMILY especially MY PARENTS.

I've been neglecting to communicate with them, therefore, I must register my phone number ASAP. I MISS hearing their VOICES. Whatever I do, their advises came up to my mind FIRST. I want to go back but I don't have the time to do so and thus, I plan to go back home on dad's birthday. I don't even feel like attending my cousin's wedding but I just wish to see my parents.

It feels like I'm a bad child, I've not forgotten my roots yet.

Today's been a very weird day for my emotions and behavior.

Secret Heart- Feist

As per title, there's so many things are being suppress down to the bottom of the HEART.

While being suppress, the other side of me is looking for a suitable steel chest made out of platinum or some sort like Magneto's helmet kind of element. That mega magnificent chest must be able to keep and lock away some parts of the memories that I wouldn't want to remember.

Those 'young and foolish days' is pulling me back and definitely it will hold me from moving forward. Sometimes, it makes me feel depress to the extreme that I'm beginning to feel the fear everyday. I hated it and never liked it.

讲也不是，不知如何从哪儿开始。
哭也不是，问题还是绕着在身边。
骂也不是，绝对不是最理智的方式。

I'm not a good storyteller thus I wouldn't want to begin it.
I'm not a solver thus I don't know how to end all these problems.


This is when I'm asking and begging for a TIME MACHINE to bring me back and amend the events before it got worsen.

Sometimes, I tell myself to be cautious but is that cautious entirely pulling me back from doing what I think it could possibly be a positive results?

Asking Buddha is totally useless for Buddha will only help those who help themselves.


Can any gentleman lend me their shoulder to lean on and weep for a while?

Thank you.

Pumped Up Kicks- Foster the People

It is high listening to this song as per title. Seriously.

This leads me to start making crazy plans in this island. Since it is small and convenient, I would love to go around this island and understand the private property projects in this freaking island.

I'm clueless why the plan was made but it is certainly something I would love to go around and take a look.

Honestly, I'm trying to familiarize with the system and organization's culture inside the company but my mind always appear to be idle whenever they started their discussion. When the questions are coming to me, I just don't know how to put my answers in the proper sentence. It's like copying and pasting the words bit by bit.

Everyday the two male colleagues will chit chat and started gossiping.. wait, gossiping? hmmm... I don't think gossiping but would rather discuss about the corporate's affair and personal issues of other department's colleagues very publicly and loudly. It always makes me laugh when I came to think about it each time both of them discussing loudly in the office. I would always cover my mouth with my hand behind the monitor and showing uninterested in their conversations. Well, obviously, I wasn't eavesdropping as they were doing it in the public, their sounds happen to travel to my ears and everyone's ears.

Ok.. off for some reading materials! Night.

Cade Veco- Bebel Gilberto

Each time after work, I usually spend some time thinking where to go for window shopping or hang outdoors. Yet, I always spend my time alone with myself.

Although in work place, I have people around me yet I still have problems with socializing with people. Do I have problems with myself?

While everywhere I could see people with their people and I'm alone with my custom made brown bag. Sometimes, with a book and an earphone attached to my handphone. 

Yet at times I feel contented to be alone with those two things but once I reach home, I'm always emotional.

I hate this but I've to sort it out for myself. 

Pickpocket in Disguise- Xavier Jamaux and Fred Avril

Been missing for some time and yeap, I'm finally settled down in Lion City in search for futures after the completion of my tertiary education.

Many episodes were created for the past few months. There's sweet and bitter in it and it all causes by my foolishness and stupidity. That time around, my ego was high till it touches the Emperor Jade's throne. After some this and that, I got to realize, you shouldn't mess around with ego. I'm still in the process of pushing my ego back down from the throne. 

I'm consider lucky to land myself a job which I have no idea on what's my responsibility till I finally step into the organization. It's a long and tedious process to land myself in Lion City yet I tried to tell myself everyday that I should appreciate with what I've right now. I wouldn't want to take things for granted as it costs a lot of... well, long story, it involves humans. Thus, zip it.

Although, just the first week of my job, I've already offended the top management people and I blown my chance to learn new stuff. Argh.. bodoh sial, I even defensed myself and I've no idea how Donald Trump appeared in my instincts telling me to defensed myself. Gosh, how rude and obviously, I'm disturbed by it... even my friend can tell I was disturbed by it. 

Everyday in work, I'm assessing myself in terms of every way.. such like my behavior, my attitude, my thoughts and many stuff. I am trying not to disappoint my manager and I am trying to work smartly. Hopefully, my brain comes alive. However, today I received a task that is totally in hand with my FYP, develop questions for after sale.... I was speechless but I cannot sigh since it's my task.

I'm trying to be positive with everything I see and experience. 

Amitabha.

Time Fusion- DJ Okawari

Just finished checking my results, looking at it just made me realized that i'm always somewhere on the line. Neither good nor bad. What special skills do I still possess asides cursing and swearing?

Life decision making process, the hardest part is the decision making, so it came true.
One, it's the route of opportunity to own a better and quality terms for future life contracts.
Second, it's another path for clearing burdens or have a taste of working in real life with specific field.
The same illustration, standing on the fork of two diverged path (ok, maybe with a tree in the middle and grasses on the side), wondering which way to go.

Some path has no turning back, some might lead you to regrets.
If you're lucky and blessed enough, some path lead you to happiness and success of achieving desired dreams.

I wish I could have the problems and matters to be solve for good before I leave peacefully to pursue dreams that I yearn to achieve.

I always question myself, who lead my way? Although I knew it was myself that I should lead my on way yet, there are matters that ain't under my control.

When your heart is missing- Rooney

Done! Another four years of studying for tertiary education has been passed. While my friends are sobering for their past days, I sit here telling myself, it's another process that everyone is compulsory to experience, DEPARTURE. Experienced it before and it wasn't a good feeling and process to undergo. Yet, as time goes by we tend to forget each other soon but only concentrating on what's ahead in our life. The goals and missions that we yearn to achieve.

Again, with the help of StumbleUpon, I found Tiny Buddha for enlightening my current situation.

Yes, I'm in the midst of facing situations that is gonna affect the future. Lost and might be find back in the matter of time.

I don't feel like babbling anymore. Kthxbye.

Say When- The Fray

I'm feeling so fucked up with my paper just now.

It was obvious that tips were given and don't know why I just couldn't somehow recall the materials I had read.

Few minutes ago, was flipping through my notes and I began to feel fucked up again. I saw the tips and it was right there.. the answers I should have answered in the paper. Damn! My marks are gone just like that.

Previously, Credit Management had made me kept my fears and worries of taking the supplementary paper again. Apparently, thank God, I passed. Now, Financial Derivatives, I know I had done badly for the mid-term and now, the finals. FML!

The feeling is like you knew it was there but you couldn't recall if it was there. This morning I was clearly in the car reading, scheming and scanning through all the important notes that I made last night.



Damn! My confidence has gone. Argh.. it made me rage and mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The second paper right now is even worse, no tips given and you have to bloody read all the 5 chapters with only a day and few hours to spend.

I can only put the blame on myself for not being determine and diligent enough. Blame myself for not knowing the consequences of future.

Now the most important question, how to get rich and build cacao empire in the future??????????

Muz fohkus on cahkao empihyer

Flashing Lights- Kanye West

i ain't want to be another sober for my peer's life.

i live my life and i choose my way to live it. i may be sober, depress, bipolar, happy, ecstatic and nuts. yet, i don't give one fucking damn to everything that happens around.

that's cos i'm the ruler of my life. i see peers were mutually agreeing with each other on some shit stuff, i walk off and give pffft.
to be honest, i'm the most fucking awesome person in the world.
i have no lover, i have no best friends, i have no pets but i have my family. most of all, i have the big heart in me.

Apart from achieving successions in life, drums are my next dream.